A Little Bit Personal

Now most people are going to look over this post, that is fine. I have no followers and my only posts that gain attention have to do with God/Goddesses or cats. It feels pretty similar to my life. As long as I talk about or say what people like, I am listened to. But none of them care to know me really. I am trapped in an abusive situation with my homophobic, transphobic, racist, conservative christian family, yet when I ask for help, I get vague "sure you could sleep on my couch". I feel like everyone avoids the harsh truths of the situation. I can't even get to their homes because my family barely lets me out of town. I would need help moving my things to storage, finding a place to stay, and getting a job so that I could get an apartment. But everyone seems to think that someone else will help. I can't look them in the eyes and ask for help because I am 200 miles away.

My parents want to punish me in some sick way by making it impossible for me to succeed in life because evidently I could never please them. For those who think I am over dramatic, I cooked for them one night, trying to be nice and show that I am useful. All I heard that night was how bad my food was and I had to throw it away and clean it all up on my own. They then said I was too sensitive for being upset by their comments. I knew the food wasn't that good, but I didn't even get a thank you for trying. This is how my life has been my entire life. I can never do anything good enough, or I am not reading their minds to know what they want me to do. My siblings get praise and love all the time, I get to hear it. I only get a shrug and a "So what do you plan to do with your life? You are so useless and worthless" tirade. I am so tempted to say that I plan to kill myself, just to see if they even care. If they do it will probably be because of their precious social image, not because of me, because they have made it very clear that they don't love me. Now I am left wondering if anyone does.

(I know my fiance does, but I hate putting all my problems on her when she actually has depression and is struggling enough with her own life.)