I don't know if I will come back to this blog or not, the years haven't been kind. I don't have friends to reach out to, so I feel this post will just fade away too. But I am alone and just have to post something to get it off of my chest..
I don't normally post what is on my mind. And this has been on mind for the past month... Based on an old tumblr post:
I remember the way you smiled when you heard that I liked you. I remember how awkward it felt being together as a couple, not just friends. I remember how soft your lips were and that spark between us in our first kiss. Your eyes held so much love, your voice was so familiar to me. When we were together I woke up each morning appreciating the warmth of your body next to mine, your breath tickling my neck as you dreamed. I kissed you even as you sleep and admired your form. There was no sex there, no gender, no labels needed. There was nothing wrong in my world when I was with you. I brushed your soft hair out of your face and you startled awake, opening your hazel eyes wide to the morning light. You whimpered and stretched, much like I did when you used to wake me up on the weekdays. You were the one I loved, the one I wanted to wake up to every morning, the one I wanted to call my own, the one I wanted to make smile at least once every day. I loved you more than I can do justice with petty words, yet these things were not enough when we were miles apart for so long. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, months turned to years, and I couldn’t make my way back. Silence set in and our threads of fate unraveled. Now I am left with emptiness, surrounded by people expecting sex, gender, labels. As much as I loved you, I couldn’t make you call me first, to ask about my day, to offer to come see me. When I called you, it was like calling a stranger, someone who didn’t want to let me in, to share their life with me. Yet, I will always remember that time that I was with you, that we were more than strangers miles apart. The one time in my life that all was right.
Basically, my fiance and I were long distance after graduating college and as they made friends in their home town, living with their parents and not ever wanting to leave, they stopped calling me. I would have to be the one to call and when I did, I was ignored for video games. I became an inconvenience I guess, and while I am glad they made friends (I wish I had such luck), I wish more effort had been made to keep the relationship going or that they had been more upfront with wanting to end the relationship. Considering they started dating someone else less than a week after ending our relationship, I suspect cheating was happening, even if it was just flirting with them. It has been over a month since I spoke to them and I have not heard a word from the person who wanted us to remain friends. I can't stand one-sided anythings, relationships or friendships. Now I am left wondering how long has it been that we have been strangers as I tried so hard to keep things going because I still loved them like an idiot.
