Long Time Gone, Post to No One

I don't know if I will come back to this blog or not, the years haven't been kind. I don't have friends to reach out to, so I feel this post will just fade away too. But I am alone and just have to post something to get it off of my chest..

I don't normally post what is on my mind. And this has been on mind for the past month... Based on an old tumblr post:

I remember the way you smiled when you heard that I liked you. I remember how awkward it felt being together as a couple, not just friends. I remember how soft your lips were and that spark between us in our first kiss. Your eyes held so much love, your voice was so familiar to me. When we were together I woke up each morning appreciating the warmth of your body next to mine, your breath tickling my neck as you dreamed. I kissed you even as you sleep and admired your form. There was no sex there, no gender, no labels needed. There was nothing wrong in my world when I was with you. I brushed your soft hair out of your face and you startled awake, opening your hazel eyes wide to the morning light. You whimpered and stretched, much like I did when you used to wake me up on the weekdays. You were the one I loved, the one I wanted to wake up to every morning, the one I wanted to call my own, the one I wanted to make smile at least once every day. I loved you more than I can do justice with petty words, yet these things were not enough when we were miles apart for so long. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, months turned to years, and I couldn’t make my way back. Silence set in and our threads of fate unraveled. Now I am left with emptiness, surrounded by people expecting sex, gender, labels. As much as I loved you, I couldn’t make you call me first, to ask about my day, to offer to come see me. When I called you, it was like calling a stranger, someone who didn’t want to let me in, to share their life with me. Yet, I will always remember that time that I was with you, that we were more than strangers miles apart. The one time in my life that all was right.

Basically, my fiance and I were long distance after graduating college and as they made friends in their home town, living with their parents and not ever wanting to leave, they stopped calling me. I would have to be the one to call and when I did, I was ignored for video games. I became an inconvenience I guess, and while I am glad they made friends (I wish I had such luck), I wish more effort had been made to keep the relationship going or that they had been more upfront with wanting to end the relationship. Considering they started dating someone else less than a week after ending our relationship, I suspect cheating was happening, even if it was just flirting with them. It has been over a month since I spoke to them and I have not heard a word from the person who wanted us to remain friends. I can't stand one-sided anythings, relationships or friendships. Now I am left wondering how long has it been that we have been strangers as I tried so hard to keep things going because I still loved them like an idiot.

Add on to Previous Personal Post

So this is why I try not to share with my fiance, she called me on her break sobbing uncontrollably because she feels like it is her fault that we can't afford an apartment and that I am in this abusive situation. I tried to tell her it isn't her fault but when she has one of these spells it takes a lot (it didn't help that I was still upset from earlier). There is something wrong with the fact that she, and also her coworkers, can't afford a one bedroom apartment on their salary (and they are paid above minimum wage and aren't looking in the city!). Some of them even have children they are trying to support on their salary which makes getting roommates impossible. When my fiance talked to her parents about moving out (so that we can live together and I won't be homeless) they laughed at her instead of listening or giving calm advice. I would gladly try to sell artwork to make a living, but that never seems to work because people want hours of my time for nothing. If I actually had followers I would look into patreon or something similar to help us get on our feet.

A Little Bit Personal

Now most people are going to look over this post, that is fine. I have no followers and my only posts that gain attention have to do with God/Goddesses or cats. It feels pretty similar to my life. As long as I talk about or say what people like, I am listened to. But none of them care to know me really. I am trapped in an abusive situation with my homophobic, transphobic, racist, conservative christian family, yet when I ask for help, I get vague "sure you could sleep on my couch". I feel like everyone avoids the harsh truths of the situation. I can't even get to their homes because my family barely lets me out of town. I would need help moving my things to storage, finding a place to stay, and getting a job so that I could get an apartment. But everyone seems to think that someone else will help. I can't look them in the eyes and ask for help because I am 200 miles away.

My parents want to punish me in some sick way by making it impossible for me to succeed in life because evidently I could never please them. For those who think I am over dramatic, I cooked for them one night, trying to be nice and show that I am useful. All I heard that night was how bad my food was and I had to throw it away and clean it all up on my own. They then said I was too sensitive for being upset by their comments. I knew the food wasn't that good, but I didn't even get a thank you for trying. This is how my life has been my entire life. I can never do anything good enough, or I am not reading their minds to know what they want me to do. My siblings get praise and love all the time, I get to hear it. I only get a shrug and a "So what do you plan to do with your life? You are so useless and worthless" tirade. I am so tempted to say that I plan to kill myself, just to see if they even care. If they do it will probably be because of their precious social image, not because of me, because they have made it very clear that they don't love me. Now I am left wondering if anyone does.

(I know my fiance does, but I hate putting all my problems on her when she actually has depression and is struggling enough with her own life.)

A Wonderful Weekend

So I got to spend this weekend with my partner and go to the Renaissance Festival. I had to drive over 4 hours to be with her (and then 4 hours back home), but it was well worth it.

I met her at her work and got to meet some of her wonderful coworkers. I picked out a sage and cedar spray to cleanse my room and a necklace with a piece of aqua quartz. We had lunch together and then I hung around the store till closing and we had dinner after.
It is strange to have others recognize that we are twin flames and to know they wish they had what we have. We are lucky to be harmonizing and not in some of the other stages of twin flames. When my partner and I are together our energy vibrates and we become more sensitive to other energies, more powerful in our spellwork and divination, and truly happier. (The vibrations was an amazing experience and I crave to feel it again.)
Every time we are together we seem to have people come into our lives that need guidance in their romantic relationships. We try our best to help others but it is intimidating to give advice to those older than us and who have been in relationships longer than ours, but our true love makes them want the same. I could write a post on just my tips for relationships, so if you want to read one, send me a message.

At the Renaissance Festival we had a great time and even had tea at the only little sit-down restaurant in the place. It was incredible. We also picked out what sort of ring we want to get my partner for when we get married officially and legally. Originally we wanted a green stone, but when we saw the blue topaz it was perfect, now only to save up....

I will leave you with the promo for the cd we bought while there from a lovely band that performs there. I have been listening to the cd a lot since coming back home since I miss my partner.

Diet update and A Fun Weekend

First things first, no, still no job. Yeah it sucks and I am trying my best but to be able to move I will have to make at least $13/hr and that isn't easy to get.

Anyways, on to better news, I have lost over 10 lbs in the past month on the diet. This is without major exercise and such. I feel better but I am still about 30 lbs from my goal.

And the best news, this weekend I will be visiting my partner and going to the Renaissance Festival (provided it isn't rained out). We are going to get some time together after almost a year apart (I won't want to leave). I really hope I can get a job and be able to move into a safe place with her (we could afford cheaper places more easily but they are NOT safe). Bella can't come along, as the long car drives stress her out and I would rather wait till it is a permanent move before I do a 4 hour drive with a car screaming the whole way (she only is quiet outside of her carrier but that isn't safe for her). I hope to update after and to have a job soon? At least an interview? Please?

House Hunting and Job Hunting

So as almost a year has passed since graduation, I am beginning to get anxious about getting a job, almost anything that pays above min wage. I want desperately to be back with my partner and to have a place of our own, but we would need at least $1500 a month for just housing costs for a safe place. That is a lot when you can only find jobs for like $10/hr. This wouldn't include food, other bills, etc. So my stress levels are hitting a peak as I struggle to get out from under my parents. Please, someone should hire me... I am a hard worker (part of the reason I am not as active on here as I wish to be) and I am a quick learner so I can make up for my lack of experience (I only have some retail experience but I do have a Bachelor's, so that should count for something, right?). I really hope to find something in the Atlanta area, particularly in the Sandy Springs area. I don't know if I could do food service, I just don't think I could stand the pay system. But something dependable and something I could move up in? That would be amazing!

Missing my Partner's Birthday

So I know it can seem silly to be more upset to miss your significant other's birthday than, say, Valentine's Day. For me, however, missing my SO's birthday is worse. I couldn't be there to make the day special in little ways because I know my SO doesn't like their birthday and has negative memories tied to it, but I try my best to cheer them up and make it a special day. Being several hours away and unable to go visit, I couldn't do this for them. I barely even got to talk to them and all I could do was send a card because I have no income to buy them a gift.

I love my partner so much and I feel terrible not getting to show them. We have been long distance for 10 months and it is killing me a little bit every day we are apart and even more so when it is a day that should have been special.

So, I haven't been posting much

Well to start off, I am still trying desperately to get a job away from where I am currently to move out (my luck sucks though). I have not even gotten a single interview...

My mom has me on a diet to help support her on it (it is really just eating healthy which my mom sucks at) and it is alright but I hate egg whites... My mom keeps making "omelets" (with no cheese because dairy isn't allowed) so I am getting really sick of it. I am glad to have mostly fresh food (except for fish since we don't live near the ocean so ours is frozen) and getting plenty of veggies and fruits. But cutting out wheat is the hardest, other than cheese that I love, because where I live has little in selection for alternative. We have used brown rice noodles and they taste fine to me, but I miss bread, pancakes, and even like muffins. I know there is rice flour or flax flour but my mom refuses to try anything "outside her comfort zone".

I think that is my biggest problem with my mom in relation to this diet. She will not try anything healthier for her. She won't eat kale, quinoa, dark leaf lettuces, or any other food she has never used before. I would rather do this on my own to try different foods, not eat basically the same few meals over and over.

On another note, I have been working on a rpg campaign idea about a futuristic magical apocalypse. Despite never being a DM, I am using my time here (where D&D is considered taboo or even satanic) to plan out my world and plot. I have a sketch of a map and some history but I struggle with plots for players because I don't want to bore them or use the same rehashed plots.

So that is a little bit of why I have been busy and not posting, but I hope to fix that soon, since this is really good for me even if no one reads my more personal posts.