Long Time Gone, Post to No One

I don't know if I will come back to this blog or not, the years haven't been kind. I don't have friends to reach out to, so I feel this post will just fade away too. But I am alone and just have to post something to get it off of my chest..

I don't normally post what is on my mind. And this has been on mind for the past month... Based on an old tumblr post:

I remember the way you smiled when you heard that I liked you. I remember how awkward it felt being together as a couple, not just friends. I remember how soft your lips were and that spark between us in our first kiss. Your eyes held so much love, your voice was so familiar to me. When we were together I woke up each morning appreciating the warmth of your body next to mine, your breath tickling my neck as you dreamed. I kissed you even as you sleep and admired your form. There was no sex there, no gender, no labels needed. There was nothing wrong in my world when I was with you. I brushed your soft hair out of your face and you startled awake, opening your hazel eyes wide to the morning light. You whimpered and stretched, much like I did when you used to wake me up on the weekdays. You were the one I loved, the one I wanted to wake up to every morning, the one I wanted to call my own, the one I wanted to make smile at least once every day. I loved you more than I can do justice with petty words, yet these things were not enough when we were miles apart for so long. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, months turned to years, and I couldn’t make my way back. Silence set in and our threads of fate unraveled. Now I am left with emptiness, surrounded by people expecting sex, gender, labels. As much as I loved you, I couldn’t make you call me first, to ask about my day, to offer to come see me. When I called you, it was like calling a stranger, someone who didn’t want to let me in, to share their life with me. Yet, I will always remember that time that I was with you, that we were more than strangers miles apart. The one time in my life that all was right.

Basically, my fiance and I were long distance after graduating college and as they made friends in their home town, living with their parents and not ever wanting to leave, they stopped calling me. I would have to be the one to call and when I did, I was ignored for video games. I became an inconvenience I guess, and while I am glad they made friends (I wish I had such luck), I wish more effort had been made to keep the relationship going or that they had been more upfront with wanting to end the relationship. Considering they started dating someone else less than a week after ending our relationship, I suspect cheating was happening, even if it was just flirting with them. It has been over a month since I spoke to them and I have not heard a word from the person who wanted us to remain friends. I can't stand one-sided anythings, relationships or friendships. Now I am left wondering how long has it been that we have been strangers as I tried so hard to keep things going because I still loved them like an idiot.

The Crystal Gems: Steven Universe

Now to bring the whole group of the Crystal Gems as ponies together. I am not overly happy with Garnet and Amethyst, but their designs don't translate as well as Pearl and Rose Quartz.

Garnet's cutie mark is Ruby and Sapphire's gems with swirls to show them fusing. I made Garnet a unicorn to fit her "magical" ability to see into the future.

Amethyst's cutie mark is her whip. I wanted to give her a more personal one but not related to food or being messy, ultimately I stuck with the whip to keep it a cutie mark that isn't gross or weird. I made amethyst an earth pony since she was born on earth and she can easily look like a unicorn or pegasus if she wanted.

Pearl's cutie mark consists of her spear, her sword, and her (very poorly drawn) violin. I chose a pegasus for her because of her graceful movements.

Rose Quartz's cutie mark is the symbol on her flag which represented her shield. I made her a princess because I see her as being an extremely powerful gem and was the leader of the Crystal Gems.

Random Drawing of the Day

This is part of a set which started with Rose Quartz. This is Pearl from Steven Universe as a pony. I saw many versions of her as a unicorn, but I chose a pegasus because of her graceful movements. Her cutie mark consists of her spear, her sword, and her (very poorly drawn) violin.

I will probably do the other Crystal Gems and maybe even the home world gems or fusions. I will probably not do Steven or any of the humans, just because their color schemes won't translate as well as the gems.

Random drawing of the day

This time I decided to draw my favorite character from Steven Universe as a pony, combining two shows I really like (that and ponies are fun and easy to draw). I tried to capture her fuller figure without making her look pregnant here, as this was supposed to be her when she was leading the gems during the war. Her cutie mark is the symbol on her flag. I made her a princess because I see her as being an extremely powerful gem and was the leader of the Crystal Gems. I love how her mane and tail look and overall I am satisfied with this drawing that only took 30 min.

Drawing of the Day

A drawing I did freehand while watching tv shows. I didn't get to work on it as much as I wanted, but since I did all of it in pen only, I am impressed by the end result.

Random Art of the Day

Today I chose a piece I drew almost 3 years ago, the MLP:FIM main cast as humans of different races.
This was my first time trying to draw different ethnicities in a style I used to have.
Twilight Sparkle: African American
Pinkie Pie: Japanese (I was trying to be more specific than just Asian, but I don't think I could draw the differences well enough in this style)
Rainbow Dash: Non-Hispanic White
Apple Jack : Non-Hispanic White (really the only choice for this character though an Argentinian version could be interesting)
Rarity: Hispanic White (again, features don't show up well in this style)
Fluttershy: Middle Eastern, based off of another fan art I saw.



The next piece was a quick tattoo design I did for a character in one of my roleplays. It isn't a polished work, just enough to convey the idea.

Drawing Practice 1: The Raven made from dots

This is an ink dot work raven picture that I spent almost 18 hours working on (including short breaks for my hand). It is based on a tattoo I saw on Pinterest (the link was bad so I can't credit the original artist but their work is truly amazing!). I am extremely proud of how it turned out. I am trying to draw more often since I am still jobless to stay productive. I am willing to take commissions to help fund me getting out of my abusive home and with my fiance. I draw a lot of different things and most of my drawings on here are just quick sketches since it has been years since I have done more than just sketch work. But I can do small watercolor pictures or color pencil drawings. Usually I use ink pens and color pencils for drawing characters for people.

Movies and TV Shows I Like: Steven Universe

*Note: Play the music while reading.

So in my free time I get obsessed with tv shows. One that I got into is Steven Universe, created by Rebecca Sugar for Cartoon Network.

The series about the Crystal Gems, Garnet, Amethyst,and Pearl, and Steven, a young half-human, half-Gem boy whose gemstone is from his mother, Rose Quartz. It is set in Beach City where the Crystal Gems live in an temple, protecting the world from evil. Most episodes focus on Steven's days with his human father Greg, his friend Connie, other people in Beach City, or the Gems. The episodes are short making the slice of life style appropriate, but some episodes give tastes of a deeper plot. Whether it is showing us fusions, the ability of Gems to temporarily merge to form a new and more powerful person, the kindergarten, where gems were grown on earth for the past war they hint at, or Rose Quartz's past as leader of the Gems and her relationship with Greg.

So far there are two seasons, the second still ongoing right now and while I love learning about the history of the Gems and the war that happened, my favorite part of this show is actually the episodes dealing with some of the unconventional family things. Steven grew up without a mother and his father is around, but it is likely the remaining Gems raised Steven after Rose Quartz sacrificed herself to have Steven. He has three aunts/mother figures (gems aren't actually female they just have female forms) and a dad who was once a musician and lives out of a van. Strangely my favorite character is Greg. When he first appeared, I thought it would be a story about Steven trying to please his deadbeat dad, but that isn't what happened. It is likely Greg gave Steven to the Gems so he would be safe and have a real home. That is a very selfless thing to do, especially after losing Rose Quartz. And Greg's relationship with Rose Quartz is wonderful to watch.

Now for the animation and music, well animation has improved as the show goes on and gains more funding. It is overall very pleasing to the eye and while obviously cartoony, there are a lot of soft shapes and interesting body types. The color palates all fit the scenes wonderfully and help set the tone for each place (compare the Kindergarten and the beach in front of the temple for example). Just like the animation, the songs have gotten better and better over time. My favorite ones are most of the recent ones with a few from the first season (any sung by Greg especially). Most use the guitar or ukelele as that is what Greg and Steven play respectfully. There are a few exceptions, Pearl's songs have violin sounds and Garnet's are more edgier, but considering Estelle voices her, it makes sense.

If there is one thing I do have to say negative about it, the Uncle Grandpa episode is a waste of money and effort. Skip it because it is non-canon, junk. (I blame all of that on Uncle Grandpa because of the dumb tone of that show.)

I would suggest everyone give the show a watch, it is really quirky but fun and heartwarming with some action thrown in. If it isn't your thing, that is cool. I personally don't like Adventure Time (which Rebecca Sugar also worked on) but I admit it is a good show.

Add on to Previous Personal Post

So this is why I try not to share with my fiance, she called me on her break sobbing uncontrollably because she feels like it is her fault that we can't afford an apartment and that I am in this abusive situation. I tried to tell her it isn't her fault but when she has one of these spells it takes a lot (it didn't help that I was still upset from earlier). There is something wrong with the fact that she, and also her coworkers, can't afford a one bedroom apartment on their salary (and they are paid above minimum wage and aren't looking in the city!). Some of them even have children they are trying to support on their salary which makes getting roommates impossible. When my fiance talked to her parents about moving out (so that we can live together and I won't be homeless) they laughed at her instead of listening or giving calm advice. I would gladly try to sell artwork to make a living, but that never seems to work because people want hours of my time for nothing. If I actually had followers I would look into patreon or something similar to help us get on our feet.

A Little Bit Personal

Now most people are going to look over this post, that is fine. I have no followers and my only posts that gain attention have to do with God/Goddesses or cats. It feels pretty similar to my life. As long as I talk about or say what people like, I am listened to. But none of them care to know me really. I am trapped in an abusive situation with my homophobic, transphobic, racist, conservative christian family, yet when I ask for help, I get vague "sure you could sleep on my couch". I feel like everyone avoids the harsh truths of the situation. I can't even get to their homes because my family barely lets me out of town. I would need help moving my things to storage, finding a place to stay, and getting a job so that I could get an apartment. But everyone seems to think that someone else will help. I can't look them in the eyes and ask for help because I am 200 miles away.

My parents want to punish me in some sick way by making it impossible for me to succeed in life because evidently I could never please them. For those who think I am over dramatic, I cooked for them one night, trying to be nice and show that I am useful. All I heard that night was how bad my food was and I had to throw it away and clean it all up on my own. They then said I was too sensitive for being upset by their comments. I knew the food wasn't that good, but I didn't even get a thank you for trying. This is how my life has been my entire life. I can never do anything good enough, or I am not reading their minds to know what they want me to do. My siblings get praise and love all the time, I get to hear it. I only get a shrug and a "So what do you plan to do with your life? You are so useless and worthless" tirade. I am so tempted to say that I plan to kill myself, just to see if they even care. If they do it will probably be because of their precious social image, not because of me, because they have made it very clear that they don't love me. Now I am left wondering if anyone does.

(I know my fiance does, but I hate putting all my problems on her when she actually has depression and is struggling enough with her own life.)

My Favorite Cat Breeds: Turkish Angora

Elegant Turkish Angoras are graceful, energetic and usually the first to welcome visitors into your home. At one point all longhaired cats were called Angoras due to the Angora thought to be the source of the long fur gene.







History
Turkish Angoras are one of the ancient, natural breeds of cat, having thought to have originated in central Turkey, in the Ankara region (historically known as Angora). Cats from eastern mountainous regions of early Anatolia and through inbreeding and natural selection, developed into longhaired breeds like the Turkish Van and the Turkish Angora.

Longhaired cats were imported to Britain and France as early as the late 16th century. There the Turkish Angora was used, almost to the point of extinction, to improve the coat on the Persian. The Angora of the 20th century was used for improvement in the Persian coat, but the type has always been divergent from the Persian – particularly as the increasingly flat-faced show cat Persian has been developed in the last few decades.

Appearance
Turkish Angora cats have long, silky coats and elegant, sinuous bodies. Though it is best known for a shimmery white coat, Turkish angora cats can display a variety of colors: solid colors, such as black, blue, red and cream; in tortoiseshell or blue-cream; in classic, mackerel and spotted tabbies of many colors; and bi-colored cats in any of these colors with white. In recent years, many breeders have begun working with smoke and shaded colors as well. Any shade and pattern, except those that denote hybridization (such as lavender, chocolate or the pointed pattern) is accepted for CFA registration.

Eyes may be blue, green, amber, yellow, or odd-eyed (e.g., one blue and one amber or green). Ears are pointed, large and wide-set. The eyes are almond shaped and the profile forms two straight planes. The plumed tail is often carried upright, perpendicular to the back.

The W gene responsible for the white coat and blue eye is closely related to the hearing ability, in this and other breeds, and presence of a blue eye can indicate the cat is deaf to the side the blue eye is located, with some being totally deaf if bearing two blue eyes. However, a great many blue and odd-eyed white cats have normal hearing, and even deaf cats lead a normal life if kept indoors.

Personality
Turkish Angora cats are playful, intelligent, athletic and involved. They bond with humans, but often select a particular member of the family to be their constant companion. They are in turn, very protective of their person.
Turkish angoras are energetic, and often seek out "high ground" (or perch) in the home. This perch is then used as a way to observe activity of the home. This could include tops of doors, bookshelves, and other furniture. Some ride on their owners' shoulders.

My Favorite Cat Breeds: The Ragdoll

The Ragdoll is a popular breed of indoor-only cats with semi-long hair and (usually) blue eyes. They are known for their docile temperament and affectionate nature

Appearance:
The Ragdoll is one of the largest domesticated cat breeds with a sturdy body, large frame, and proportionate legs. Their pointed coloration is responsible for the blue eyes of the Ragdoll. Ragdoll kittens are actually usually born white but gain some of their coloration at 8 – 10 weeks and full color and coat at 3 – 4 years.
The Ragdoll’s semi-long coat is plush and silky, consisting mainly of long, soft guard hairs. The absence of the thick, dense, insulating undercoats results in reduced shedding and matting.

Markings:
Color Pointed – One color darkening at the extremities (nose, ears, tail, and paws) with no white anywhere in the coat

Mitted – Same as pointed, but with white paws like mittens on the front and boots in the back and abdomen. With or without a blaze (a white line or spot on the face) and must have a white chin belly stripe.

Bicolor –  (more white than Mitted) White legs, white inverted V on the face, white abdomen and sometimes white patches on the back. Only their tails, ears, and the outer part of their masks show the darker markings. In the Van pattern, only the top of the mask, ears, and tail, and perhaps a few spots on the body, show darker markings.

Lynx – A variant of the above types having tabby markings.

Tortie- A variant of the above typed with tortoiseshell markings

Colors:

Red (or Flame)

Seal

Chocolate

Blue

Lilac

Cream (Red Dilute)

Temperament:
Ragdoll cats tend to be more interested in humans than some breeds of cats. They are known to run to greet you at the door, follow you from room to room, flop on you, sleep with you, and generally choose to be where you are. Many Ragdolls have been taught to come when called and play fetch. They are gentle cats, and usually play without extending their claws. Ragdolls tend to be floor cats, not jumpers.

Unlike many cats, Ragdolls are notable for collapsing into the arms of anyone who holds them, even if they are cradled on their back. They love their people, greeting them at the door, following them around the house, and leaping into a lap or snuggling in bed whenever given the chance. They need time with their families so it is not a breed to get if you will not be home enough to give them the attention they crave.  However every cat is different and individual so no guarantees that your Ragdoll will let you hold them like a baby or sit in your lap for a long time.

Sweet and docile, Ragdolls are not "fighter" cats. They view any on-comer as a loving entity. For this reason, Ragdolls are strictly indoor cats. Many Ragdolls have been killed by cruel humans or loose dogs.

Overall Ragdolls are beautiful and friendly cats fit for a loving home with plenty of time to devote to them.

Tarot: The Emperor IV

The fifth card in the major arcana is The Emperor. This card usually features a king on his throne, but my deck has the mythical steed, Pegasus. He was the winged horse ridden by the Greek hero Bellerophon and in some tales, Perseus.  He carried Zeus's lightning bolts until he was made into a constellation for his duty.

Meaning: The Emperor is a card of masculine power. Masculine power is self-discipline, leadership, taking chances and facing challenges. It can represent wisdom though trials of life. There is also stability and security through  this power.

Reversed: When the Emperor is reversed he shows weakness, lack of self discipline or self-control, lack of courage, or even loss of power and a time of chaos.
OR
Reversed (2): An abuse of power. Dictatorship can occur with an improper use of masculine power so be weary of tipping the balance either way.

Tarot: The Empress III

The fourth card in the major arcana is the empress. This card usually has a pregnant woman on a throne, but my deck features the goddess Morrigan. Morrigan is called a triple goddess featuring the Maiden, Mother, Crone trichonomy. I believe she could also feature the Warrior, but the art of the card didn't feature that side of her. 

Imagry: Beyond Morrigan walking through the woods we have: Rabbit of the maiden and spring, Apple of the mother and summer and fall, and the raven of the crone and winter

Meaning: The Empress is a card of feminine power. It represents the cycle of  traditional womanhood and life. She holds the secrets of the feminine divine within all of us. She teaches us to appreciate the fertility of the season in our life and in the world and reminds us that there is a season for everything. She reassures us that now may be a prosperous time or it will come soon.

Reversed: The Empress reversed is a card that means a lack of growth or fertility. It could just mean that it is not the right time or season for what you want. But it could also mean that you are out of balance or working against the cycle in a negative way. Remember to work with the earth and the cycles all around us. She also can mean that you are neglecting your inner feminine divine (even if your identify as male). 

Invocation to Frey (Freyr)

Disclaimer: So before I get to the invocation, I should say that I combed the web as I prepared to write these so if a line or two remind you of someone else's, I probably read it as inspiration. This (and my others) are rough drafts. This one is not overly personal (written specifically for me to use) but others are. Feel free to use them, but if you post them on the web, please link back to me.

Hail Lord of the Fields,

the warrior without a weapon,

you who make the grain sprout forth,

and you who falls at harvest;

Every year of your life, death, and rebirth,

just as the earth mirrors you.

Give me a love bound with commitment,

a love bound to the land.

As one must toil for the harvest,

teach me that love is worth working for.

Bless my life with

a land to call my own,

a love to warm me,

through the harshest winter,

and faith in the coming spring

and the bountiful harvest

after a season of work.

Frey,

Witness This!

Tarot: The High Priestess II

It has been a long time since I have had time to write one of these, so I hope to write a few and schedule them.

This is the third card in the major arcana, the High Priestess, a Egyptian Ua Zit (similar to the Wadjet).
She was a winged Cobra goddess said to be a protector of the Pharaohs.

Meaning: She is the guardian of inner knowledge and secrets. She often symbolizes that you need to listen to your inner self. She can also be your connection to divine energy and your destiny heeding you to listen to them.  She represents the link to the subconscious mind, which cannot be accessed through the physical world but only through dreams and symbols. Pay attention to your dreams and let that inner knowledge guide you.

Reversed: When she is reversed she is telling you that you are not listening to your inner self of inner calling or even not trusting your instincts. She warns that you need to take some time to reflect and even meditate to find what you should be doing. Or, she wants you to gain a deeper understanding to what knowledge you do have to fully understand it


This card has never appeared in any of my readings but I do think there is plenty to learn from her.

Invocation to Odin

Disclaimer: So before I get to the invocation, I should say that I combed the web as I prepared to write these so if a line or two remind you of someone else's, I probably read it as inspiration. This (and my others) are rough drafts. This one is not overly personal (written specifically for me to use) but others are. Feel free to use them, but if you post them on the web, please link back to me.

Hail All-Father,

Wise Warrior,

One-Eyed Wanderer,

Come share my food and fire.

Tell me your stories of wisdom,

the secrets your missing eye sees.

Let me feel the love of both book and blade,

 experience fury and joy, 

and heed the tales of my elders.

You who chooses half of the slain, 

look upon my deeds

and when my time comes

Let my end be worthy of song.

Let me understand sacrifice,

remember well, 

and journey far,

Odin 

Witness This!

A Wonderful Weekend

So I got to spend this weekend with my partner and go to the Renaissance Festival. I had to drive over 4 hours to be with her (and then 4 hours back home), but it was well worth it.

I met her at her work and got to meet some of her wonderful coworkers. I picked out a sage and cedar spray to cleanse my room and a necklace with a piece of aqua quartz. We had lunch together and then I hung around the store till closing and we had dinner after.
It is strange to have others recognize that we are twin flames and to know they wish they had what we have. We are lucky to be harmonizing and not in some of the other stages of twin flames. When my partner and I are together our energy vibrates and we become more sensitive to other energies, more powerful in our spellwork and divination, and truly happier. (The vibrations was an amazing experience and I crave to feel it again.)
Every time we are together we seem to have people come into our lives that need guidance in their romantic relationships. We try our best to help others but it is intimidating to give advice to those older than us and who have been in relationships longer than ours, but our true love makes them want the same. I could write a post on just my tips for relationships, so if you want to read one, send me a message.

At the Renaissance Festival we had a great time and even had tea at the only little sit-down restaurant in the place. It was incredible. We also picked out what sort of ring we want to get my partner for when we get married officially and legally. Originally we wanted a green stone, but when we saw the blue topaz it was perfect, now only to save up....

I will leave you with the promo for the cd we bought while there from a lovely band that performs there. I have been listening to the cd a lot since coming back home since I miss my partner.

Diet update and A Fun Weekend

First things first, no, still no job. Yeah it sucks and I am trying my best but to be able to move I will have to make at least $13/hr and that isn't easy to get.

Anyways, on to better news, I have lost over 10 lbs in the past month on the diet. This is without major exercise and such. I feel better but I am still about 30 lbs from my goal.

And the best news, this weekend I will be visiting my partner and going to the Renaissance Festival (provided it isn't rained out). We are going to get some time together after almost a year apart (I won't want to leave). I really hope I can get a job and be able to move into a safe place with her (we could afford cheaper places more easily but they are NOT safe). Bella can't come along, as the long car drives stress her out and I would rather wait till it is a permanent move before I do a 4 hour drive with a car screaming the whole way (she only is quiet outside of her carrier but that isn't safe for her). I hope to update after and to have a job soon? At least an interview? Please?

House Hunting and Job Hunting

So as almost a year has passed since graduation, I am beginning to get anxious about getting a job, almost anything that pays above min wage. I want desperately to be back with my partner and to have a place of our own, but we would need at least $1500 a month for just housing costs for a safe place. That is a lot when you can only find jobs for like $10/hr. This wouldn't include food, other bills, etc. So my stress levels are hitting a peak as I struggle to get out from under my parents. Please, someone should hire me... I am a hard worker (part of the reason I am not as active on here as I wish to be) and I am a quick learner so I can make up for my lack of experience (I only have some retail experience but I do have a Bachelor's, so that should count for something, right?). I really hope to find something in the Atlanta area, particularly in the Sandy Springs area. I don't know if I could do food service, I just don't think I could stand the pay system. But something dependable and something I could move up in? That would be amazing!